was startled awake late last night from a dark and troubled sleep, by the shrill sound of my cell phone's ring on my night stand. It was the call, that dreadful call, which no one ever wants to get- - ever!
Me: "Hello?"
Pam: "Honey, you're dad is with Jesus, he left about five minutes ago."
My father's wife tearfully whispered these dreadful words into my then pounding ear, apparently I had gotten up to quickly. We had been texting one another earlier in the day, and things didn't look good, so my father's time to go to the Sweet By and By looked inevitable. There was no sudden healing. I thought that with this knowledge I was prepared, but seriously, are we ever really completely prepared to lose a loved one? As I hung up, I felt sick to my stomach and stumbled toward the bathroom. I was able to hold the nausea at bay as I splashed cold water on my flushed face and neck. I had been here before, and I assure you dear reader, it never gets easier.
My wonderful husband was at my side in an effort to console me while I leaned over the sink, fighting the urge to purge, and while the all too familiar memories of losing my brother and then my mother came flooding back to me. That is when two songs came to my mind during those first difficult moments. The first one was the old hymn "In The Sweet By and By", and the second was "Held" by Natalie Grant.
I know my father is in heaven, that is my head talking, and for that I do rejoice. But my heart is not so joyous right now. Right now my broken heart wants to know why my daddy died this way. It wants to know why I was gypped out of having he and his wife come to California to see his grandchildren-- to see me. Why? Why did he have to suffer such excruciating physical torment before he was allowed to push past the veil and go to Heaven? Why? My heart wants to know these things. Is that so wrong? My heart believes that this is not fair.
Days before, I told Pam in all honesty, that I had told the Lord that if he decided to take my father to heaven instead of healing him, then I would be angry with him. The Lord doesn't mind our honesty, he can take it, really he can. It is when we aren't honest with him or our self about our lives and feelings, well, that is when we are headed for trouble. She gently rebuked my honesty, telling me that we should rejoice and not be angry. That was duly noted, but I told her I wouldn't be angry for long, just a couple of hours tops, because my head knows what the Bible promises to the faithful of Christ Jesus, it really does. We are to walk by faith, after all, and not by sight, or our physical senses, or feelings. Truly, we are promised life eternal with our Lord. An eternal life without pain and suffering. But my heart, the seat of my feelings, it is... well, foolish and very slow to understand these kinds of things. That is after all what Jesus told the two men on the road to Emmaus, as they were sorrowfully trudging along its dusty crags, when the risen Savior joined them and inquired about their sad state. What did he say to them after they explained themselves? Was he sympathetic, or did he say, "Hey guys, don't be sad - It's me!"? No. This is what he said:
“O foolish ones, and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken! Ought not the Christ to have suffered these things and to enter into His glory?”
And beginning at Moses and all the Prophets, He expounded to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning Himself. Luke 24:25 - 27 NKJV
I know that in time, my foolish and slow to understand heart will come to believe what my head already knows and accepts - - that my daddy has gone to heaven. A place of exceeding joy, which I too will journey to when it is my time to leave this world, so I can be with my loved ones who have gone to the sweet by and by before me. Thanks be unto our Lord Jesus Christ, who made that marvelous journey possible for us who believe in his sacrifice. But that day is not today. Today I am sad for myself. Maybe that is a selfish and foolish thing to do on my part, but for the love of God, why did he give us feelings if we were never meant to feel them? Don't worry, I won't stay, or tarry in the valley of the shadow of death, but I do have to go through it in order to leave it. And I won't fear any evil, for my shepherd is with me. To lead and guide me with his staff, and to protect me with his shepherd's rod, and even give me a gentle conk on the head with it, when necessary. And so I will follow the Good Shepherd, through this treacherous death valley, and I will come out the other side. And one day, like my father, mother, and brother before me, I too will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen!
"In The Sweet By and By" written by Sanford F. Bennet
- There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.- Refrain:
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.
- Refrain:
- We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest. - To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days.
"Held" written by Natalie Grant
They let him go,
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
Would take a child (father/husband) from his mother (daughter/wife)
While she prays, is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us,
Who have died to live, it's unfair!
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.
This hand is bitterness,
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows.
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(chorus)
This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.
[Repeat Chorus]